Wednesday, July 18, 2012
It's obviously not fair for me to keep doing this, to keep shooting off messages into the void and hoping you'll see them. It's obviously not fair to you, or to him, and probably not to me either. But you were my best friend for so many years, and it feels so much easier to talk to you than anyone else. I should probably apologize, but I can't bring myself to.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
I only talk to you when I'm feeling down. That's probably not fair to you. But when I'm up and life is good, I don't need support. I don't need someone who can just listen and nod and try to understand, except when life is hard.
Today life is hard. Our Pastor has called the church to a weeklong fast, and I'm trying so hard but it's only day 2 and I'm at the point of tears. I haven't had solid food since lunch on Sunday, because my husband doesn't fully listen to me most of the time and didn't hear me very clearly stating that I would wait for him to get home from a meeting and we would have dinner after that. He came home at two in the morning, tired and not hungry and not wiling to stay up with me while I ate.
We've had protein drinks and gatorade. One protein drink per day, and as much gatorade as it takes for our stomachs to not make a nuisance of us in public. But it's so difficult. He's already lost 7 pounds and I've gained 5. He feels great and I feel like I've just run a two day marathon. He's focused and emotionally doing really well and it's taking me everything in me just to not burst into tears right now.
The worst part is, I don't understand why we're doing it. I feel like we should, I feel like being in compliance with this is the right thing to do. But I don't understand why. I just know that we're not eating any solid foods and we're going most of the day on just gatorade and I still feel like a lousy christian because there are other people who are going the whole week on water. Because I have a splitting headache and I can taste blood when I breathe and my stomach is cramping like crazy and I'm dizzy and can't focus and everyone else seems to be doing fine.
I don't know what to do. I want to quit, but at the same time now it's more than just obeying. It's proving to myself that I can do it, that food doesn't have to control me, that I'm strong enough to handle not eating for a few days. And so far I'm failing.
I don't know the purpose. I don't understand why God seems to want this of me. I don't understand why God wants this of me and my husband decided we should do it and it hurts me so much and is just making him feel better. I don't understand why God seems to want me to be a prayer leader in the church and it would do worlds of good for me to do so but my husband won't let me. I don't understand why I feel an equal pull to these two things, and one of them my husband allows and the other he won't, and one of them hurts me more than I thought it would and the other would benefit me more than I can probably know.
Perhaps the worst part is not seeing the light at the end of this particular tunnel. I don't understand the purpose and so I don't understand the benefit and so the whole thing just feels like torture.
Then, my husband has to go and point out to me that everyone else is doing it without a hitch. And he has to decide that he's going to "fast" more often and use hunger as a tool to motivate himself. And he has to keep doing all of these things that just make it increasingly evident that he's so much better at being a Christian and a strong person than I am... that I'm probably holding him back and that my need for emotional support and for understanding and for comfort is a hindrance. He continues to run a business without even a protein shake and I can't even manage the laundry.
I feel like such an absolute failure, and I don't know how to combat it. The only thing I can think of is to make it through this week victorious, but I'm not sure that I'll be able to manage it. My first fast ever and it's a complete fast, for a whole week, that just happens to be during the one week this year that I'm working the whole week through.
Thank you for listening. Even if you're not really listening, thinking that you are makes me feel better. At least I can pretend that someone is.
Today life is hard. Our Pastor has called the church to a weeklong fast, and I'm trying so hard but it's only day 2 and I'm at the point of tears. I haven't had solid food since lunch on Sunday, because my husband doesn't fully listen to me most of the time and didn't hear me very clearly stating that I would wait for him to get home from a meeting and we would have dinner after that. He came home at two in the morning, tired and not hungry and not wiling to stay up with me while I ate.
We've had protein drinks and gatorade. One protein drink per day, and as much gatorade as it takes for our stomachs to not make a nuisance of us in public. But it's so difficult. He's already lost 7 pounds and I've gained 5. He feels great and I feel like I've just run a two day marathon. He's focused and emotionally doing really well and it's taking me everything in me just to not burst into tears right now.
The worst part is, I don't understand why we're doing it. I feel like we should, I feel like being in compliance with this is the right thing to do. But I don't understand why. I just know that we're not eating any solid foods and we're going most of the day on just gatorade and I still feel like a lousy christian because there are other people who are going the whole week on water. Because I have a splitting headache and I can taste blood when I breathe and my stomach is cramping like crazy and I'm dizzy and can't focus and everyone else seems to be doing fine.
I don't know what to do. I want to quit, but at the same time now it's more than just obeying. It's proving to myself that I can do it, that food doesn't have to control me, that I'm strong enough to handle not eating for a few days. And so far I'm failing.
I don't know the purpose. I don't understand why God seems to want this of me. I don't understand why God wants this of me and my husband decided we should do it and it hurts me so much and is just making him feel better. I don't understand why God seems to want me to be a prayer leader in the church and it would do worlds of good for me to do so but my husband won't let me. I don't understand why I feel an equal pull to these two things, and one of them my husband allows and the other he won't, and one of them hurts me more than I thought it would and the other would benefit me more than I can probably know.
Perhaps the worst part is not seeing the light at the end of this particular tunnel. I don't understand the purpose and so I don't understand the benefit and so the whole thing just feels like torture.
Then, my husband has to go and point out to me that everyone else is doing it without a hitch. And he has to decide that he's going to "fast" more often and use hunger as a tool to motivate himself. And he has to keep doing all of these things that just make it increasingly evident that he's so much better at being a Christian and a strong person than I am... that I'm probably holding him back and that my need for emotional support and for understanding and for comfort is a hindrance. He continues to run a business without even a protein shake and I can't even manage the laundry.
I feel like such an absolute failure, and I don't know how to combat it. The only thing I can think of is to make it through this week victorious, but I'm not sure that I'll be able to manage it. My first fast ever and it's a complete fast, for a whole week, that just happens to be during the one week this year that I'm working the whole week through.
Thank you for listening. Even if you're not really listening, thinking that you are makes me feel better. At least I can pretend that someone is.
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