You've asked me never to contact you again, so I won't. I probably don't want to open that can of worms anyway. But I want you to know that I'm sorry for my part in what happened.
Keep in mind; this isn't an admission that you were right, or that you had no fault. What it is, is an admission that I had fault too. I was selfish sometimes, naggy others. I tried to make you my reason for living, tried to make you validate me, and that was wrong. I lashed out frequently toward the end, and then I justified bad behavior so it never got changed. I spoke exaggerated truths about you sometimes - which can be even worse than untruths.
So for my part, I'm sorry.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
One Leaf Writings
So there's this site, oneleaf.tumblr.com or something like that, it has a daily "leaf" to write. It's basically a prompt blog. Write a "leaf" based on the prompt - and you get to decide what a leaf is. So I may start regularly participating in that.
Today's Write One Leaf about Suicide Girls
***
Suicide Girls.
That's what they called us after the fact. That's what all the headlines said. "Suicide Girls Story Unfolds" "Suicide Girls Shocker" "Lone Suicide Girls Survivor Interviewed" - they went on and on. That wasn't what we intended it to be, it just got out of hand.
They said we made a pact, and in that they were right. But it wasn't a suicide pact. It was actually a pact to start enjoying life. To be as involved as possible, to stop hiding, to survive. We'd grown up together, Tiffany, Rachel, and I. All on the same block, three houses in a row. We were such good friends that our parents just built a fence around our three yards, instead of separating them, when we were kids. We shared bikes, barbies, and secrets. We ran a lemonade stand together, we each had three Christmases, everything we did was in threes - the three of us. So when we decided that we were going to be the popular girls, it was no problem. We just signed up for everything we could - and did it together. When I didn't make it onto the cheer squad, I still tagged along and practiced with them. When Tiffany didn't get a part in Romeo and Juliet, she helped us with our lines. We were still all together.
Then, Tiffany's parents got divorced. She cried a lot. She stayed inside a lot. She started reading and writing some pretty dark things. She talked about being scared, and being alone. As always, Rachel and I weren't far behind. We stayed with her, found enjoyment in old movies and facials and scrabble to keep ourselves busy. When Rachel's little brother was hit by a car and severely retarded from the damage, she also became more reclusive. She quit cheer, quit drama club, quit photo club. Everything had to be focused on Jaymie and when she wasn't helping out at home she was at my house or at Tiffany's. Tiffany dropped out of our activities at that point, too. Over time I was the only one who would to anything other than go to school and stay in one of our three rooms.
I kept thinking it would get better, but it only got worse. They fell deeper and deeper into the depressed mire they were in, and before I knew it, we were all talking about suicide. At first I only played along with them, pretending to feel what they felt. When my dad lost his job and we had to move away it became real. We lived with my grandmother, six people in a cramped three-bedroom. Life suddenly became a horrible whirlwind and I was all caught up in it. Mom and dad were fighting, grandma had health problems, my sister suddenly hated me.
Just being around Tiffany and Rachel made it worse though. Everything about life sucked when I was with them. Everything hurt, everything was a big deal and another reason to just end everything and be done.
We didn't make a pact to kill ourselves. We were all sitting in Rachel's room one night after she'd gotten in a fight with her parents about her brother, and it was just decided. We all wrote notes to our families, little memoirs about our lives, hoping we'd at least be remembered at the end. I remember thinking "this is madness, it's gone too far." But by that time it was too late. They'd already set their minds to it, and they were going to go through with it.
I excused myself for a minute, said something about not wanting their last memory of me to be how I died. I went to the bathroom and pulled a blade from one of the fresh razors in the cabinet. But for some reason, I didn't go any farther. I just stared at it for a minute, and then I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called emergency. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror, talking to a calm woman on the phone about how my friends had just agreed to kill themselves, and I'd left the room. She kept me on the line until the police and fire department got there. I caught a glimpse of the bodies in the bedroom on the way out. Tiffany and Rachel's parents were in the front yard, crying. Mine were there, too, but I think I must have been in shock.
It's been six months since that day, and I still can't forget it. I don't think I'll ever understand how it got so far out of hand. But at least I don't have to see any more newspaper headlines about the "Suicide Girls"
Today's Write One Leaf about Suicide Girls
***
Suicide Girls.
That's what they called us after the fact. That's what all the headlines said. "Suicide Girls Story Unfolds" "Suicide Girls Shocker" "Lone Suicide Girls Survivor Interviewed" - they went on and on. That wasn't what we intended it to be, it just got out of hand.
They said we made a pact, and in that they were right. But it wasn't a suicide pact. It was actually a pact to start enjoying life. To be as involved as possible, to stop hiding, to survive. We'd grown up together, Tiffany, Rachel, and I. All on the same block, three houses in a row. We were such good friends that our parents just built a fence around our three yards, instead of separating them, when we were kids. We shared bikes, barbies, and secrets. We ran a lemonade stand together, we each had three Christmases, everything we did was in threes - the three of us. So when we decided that we were going to be the popular girls, it was no problem. We just signed up for everything we could - and did it together. When I didn't make it onto the cheer squad, I still tagged along and practiced with them. When Tiffany didn't get a part in Romeo and Juliet, she helped us with our lines. We were still all together.
Then, Tiffany's parents got divorced. She cried a lot. She stayed inside a lot. She started reading and writing some pretty dark things. She talked about being scared, and being alone. As always, Rachel and I weren't far behind. We stayed with her, found enjoyment in old movies and facials and scrabble to keep ourselves busy. When Rachel's little brother was hit by a car and severely retarded from the damage, she also became more reclusive. She quit cheer, quit drama club, quit photo club. Everything had to be focused on Jaymie and when she wasn't helping out at home she was at my house or at Tiffany's. Tiffany dropped out of our activities at that point, too. Over time I was the only one who would to anything other than go to school and stay in one of our three rooms.
I kept thinking it would get better, but it only got worse. They fell deeper and deeper into the depressed mire they were in, and before I knew it, we were all talking about suicide. At first I only played along with them, pretending to feel what they felt. When my dad lost his job and we had to move away it became real. We lived with my grandmother, six people in a cramped three-bedroom. Life suddenly became a horrible whirlwind and I was all caught up in it. Mom and dad were fighting, grandma had health problems, my sister suddenly hated me.
Just being around Tiffany and Rachel made it worse though. Everything about life sucked when I was with them. Everything hurt, everything was a big deal and another reason to just end everything and be done.
We didn't make a pact to kill ourselves. We were all sitting in Rachel's room one night after she'd gotten in a fight with her parents about her brother, and it was just decided. We all wrote notes to our families, little memoirs about our lives, hoping we'd at least be remembered at the end. I remember thinking "this is madness, it's gone too far." But by that time it was too late. They'd already set their minds to it, and they were going to go through with it.
I excused myself for a minute, said something about not wanting their last memory of me to be how I died. I went to the bathroom and pulled a blade from one of the fresh razors in the cabinet. But for some reason, I didn't go any farther. I just stared at it for a minute, and then I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called emergency. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror, talking to a calm woman on the phone about how my friends had just agreed to kill themselves, and I'd left the room. She kept me on the line until the police and fire department got there. I caught a glimpse of the bodies in the bedroom on the way out. Tiffany and Rachel's parents were in the front yard, crying. Mine were there, too, but I think I must have been in shock.
It's been six months since that day, and I still can't forget it. I don't think I'll ever understand how it got so far out of hand. But at least I don't have to see any more newspaper headlines about the "Suicide Girls"
Life at the moment
I keep intending to write here more often. I keep intending to be profound, or to be witty, or even just to write something. I also keep intending to get back into writing my books. But...so far....not much has come out of either of those. I just can't find much of anything to say lately.
So, life at the moment is...hm...normal I guess. We're running the business. I'm making a blanket. Friends I probably shouldn't be talking to are having life problems that I can't fix. Normal stuff.
I keep waiting for life to be not normal. in a good way. For things to suddenly be the other side of the cinderella story. I guess I'll keep waiting for a while.
All in all, my life is absolutely much better than it was before. Absolutely. Not that there was anything wrong with my parents, really, just that we didn't get along and didn't see eye to eye and I've improved my situation a lot by moving away. So I guess it is the other side of that story. But now, I'm waiting for the other other side. The one where we don't worry about money anymore and we don't fight over stupid stuff anymore. The one where I can go shopping and have friends and hang out with those friends and have a good time. The one where the dishes in my house are the ones I chose, the house is the one we picked together. The one where I get to throw parties and be extraordinarily generous and make people happy on a regular basis.
Anyway, that's life at the moment.
So, life at the moment is...hm...normal I guess. We're running the business. I'm making a blanket. Friends I probably shouldn't be talking to are having life problems that I can't fix. Normal stuff.
I keep waiting for life to be not normal. in a good way. For things to suddenly be the other side of the cinderella story. I guess I'll keep waiting for a while.
All in all, my life is absolutely much better than it was before. Absolutely. Not that there was anything wrong with my parents, really, just that we didn't get along and didn't see eye to eye and I've improved my situation a lot by moving away. So I guess it is the other side of that story. But now, I'm waiting for the other other side. The one where we don't worry about money anymore and we don't fight over stupid stuff anymore. The one where I can go shopping and have friends and hang out with those friends and have a good time. The one where the dishes in my house are the ones I chose, the house is the one we picked together. The one where I get to throw parties and be extraordinarily generous and make people happy on a regular basis.
Anyway, that's life at the moment.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Cordon Bleu
I've embarked on another adventure. I'm learning to cook.
The other day I found a bunch of books full of recipe cards, so I went through and found the ones I'd actually like to eat, and put them in photo books. I decided to start trying one new recipe every week (while brushing up on my already-know-them recipes like french toast in the mean time). Last night was cordon bleu.
Now, it sounds like something that would be hard, right? It's got a french name, after all! But it was actually super easy, just some cheese and deli meat wrapped in a thin chicken breast and cooked. I rolled instead of wrapping or folding, so we had sort of cordon bleu pinwheels. But everyone loved them.
Yay! One success down....many, many more recipes to try.
The other day I found a bunch of books full of recipe cards, so I went through and found the ones I'd actually like to eat, and put them in photo books. I decided to start trying one new recipe every week (while brushing up on my already-know-them recipes like french toast in the mean time). Last night was cordon bleu.
Now, it sounds like something that would be hard, right? It's got a french name, after all! But it was actually super easy, just some cheese and deli meat wrapped in a thin chicken breast and cooked. I rolled instead of wrapping or folding, so we had sort of cordon bleu pinwheels. But everyone loved them.
Yay! One success down....many, many more recipes to try.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Another End, Another Beginning
I think I mentioned before about being on one of those personal journeys for personal development. Well, it's been about a. month since I started that. A lot has happened, I convinced myself for a while that I was growing throughout that and growing a lot. I wasn't. But I have made some small steps. I've successfully journaled daily (in a book), I've developed a habit of reading my bible daily, I keep up on checking my business-related voice-mail, I've lost 5 lbs, and I've cut my computer addiction down significantly.
So, we'll see what the next month brings, I guess
So, we'll see what the next month brings, I guess
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Not Strong Enough
I can't do it. I'm not strong enough to withstand this, to know that I'm failing and not know how, to hear that you just don't want to go on anymore. I'm not strong enough to be alone, to have no one. I'm not strong enough to know what to do about this.
I don't know how people who don't believe in or follow God, who don't believe that Jesus is an incarnation of God and is alive, do it. I don't know how they hold on, stick through times like this. I don't know how they get through the trials so big without knowing that they've got someone bigger on their side. I don't know how people manage life thinking they have to do it on their own. I certainly wouldn't be able to. He's the only one responsible for me even still being here.
I don't know how people who don't believe in or follow God, who don't believe that Jesus is an incarnation of God and is alive, do it. I don't know how they hold on, stick through times like this. I don't know how they get through the trials so big without knowing that they've got someone bigger on their side. I don't know how people manage life thinking they have to do it on their own. I certainly wouldn't be able to. He's the only one responsible for me even still being here.
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