I think you may have misunderstood me, because I don't see anything in what I was trying to communicate that you should feel a need to apologize for. You didn't do anything wrong, it's not your fault.

It is hard for me, having to give up the friendship we've maintained. It's like severing a limb. But better a limb than the heart, and I think it will be good for you too. I need to let you move on, as much as I need to move on. Maybe more.

I appreciate your offer to watch the blog, to be there for me as much as you can. Know that I haven't stopped watching yours, you just haven't posted anything. I probably won't take you up on your offer after today, it's too much like sneaking. I can't allow that to enter my life with him. The ways that I'm screwed up do enough interfering in our relationship, and he's so important to me. I can't do anything that would increase the chances of doing damage this time.

I didn't have a very good Easter. Wounds from five years ago surfaced again, and ruined everything. I hate that it still hurts so much, and I hate that I didn't realize why I was so emotional and it caused a massive fight with him. I hate that the deepest wounds I've ever endured in my entire life were from family. From my father, and then my mom and siblings, and then the church. They're apparently much deeper than I thought and haven't healed yet. I just want to be done dealing with them. That's why I wanted to talk last night, because only two people were actually there for me through that. One of them is dead, and one of them is you.

I hope you enjoy life from here. I hope you go to heights you've never imagined, and find a happiness you've denied yourself since your mom died. I hope things work out for you.