I had a horrible dream last night. I was with my parents, and all of my siblings, and there were a lot of things that were very, very wrong. I tried to tell my mom about them, to convince her that something was wrong and we had to escape where we were, but she didn't listen. She was so wrapped up in one of the children having a toothache and another having a bad day at school and one of her plays, she just didn't want to hear me. The situation kept getting worse and worse, and I kept trying to get to her and tell her that something was wrong and we were all in danger and we needed to leave. But she wouldn't listen. She completely ignored me except to insult me. It went on forever. Toward the end, I was in terrible pain and I was screaming at her about how she needed to stop paying attention to stupid things and help me, about how we were all in danger. But she just wouldn't listen. Eventually, I ignored my own physical pain because the emotional pain was worse, and my screaming turned from warnings to accusations. I told her she was a horrible mother to me and now that she had other kids she didn't want to be my mom at all.

I woke up crying.

I don't know why I dreamed this, but I have dreams like this a lot. They're not always about the same thing, but the same things always happen: We're in danger, and I have to save us, and I end up hurt, and my mom doesn't care.

That's how I felt when my parents got back together after their split. You know the story. It's like, for some reason, my subconscious is pulling that story line directly from the past and applying it to different settings, just to hurt me. Every time I have one of these dreams, my heart hurts when I wake up.

I've tried to forgive them, I've tried to ignore how very much they hurt me and just forgive them. So far, I guess it hasn't worked, because I'm still having these dreams. Nothing seems to be able to comfort me when this happens. I don't know how to deal with it.

I keep wanting someone, anyone who was involved back then - my parents, the pastor, the counsellors, anybody - to just be honest with me. To tell me that what happened was not okay, and that it is okay for me to be hurt, and that everyone is very sorry.

But, they won't. Because they're all convinced that it was okay, that it wasn't even any of my business and was just between my parents. All of them were convinced I shouldn't be hurt, that I should just bounce back like everyone else did and pretend the bad part never happened.

How could they do that? And why can't I stop hurting over it?

I would post this on my normal blog, except that I don't want to hurt my mom any more. I know she cries when I talk about how much that time hurt me. I don't want to make her cry. I honestly just want to forget it. But I keep having these dreams.

Thank you, for listening and being here. It would do me good to just journal this - and I probably would, except that physically writing hurts my hands too much lately. But also, it helps knowing that someone who really understands, who felt the pain with me, is listening. Thanks.